


loved you alive

by eeshlyye



Category: Bloodbound (Visual Novel)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Reunions, Unhappy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-10
Updated: 2020-02-10
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:15:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22647022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eeshlyye/pseuds/eeshlyye
Summary: After all is done, she searches for him.
Relationships: Jax Matsuo/Main Character (Bloodbound)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 17





	loved you alive

**Author's Note:**

> Written after BB3 chapter 10. Based on the theory about one of the endings where all the LIs go back to their own timelines as humans and only MC remembers what happens. Warning for unhappy ending.

It takes her 3 days to find him.

After everything is done, after Rheya is defeated, after everything is  _ reset _ \-- she wakes in the middle of the night in a familiar bedroom to the faint sounds of a familiar video game coming from the living room. According to her phone, it's roughly the date and time that Gaius ran her through with Jax's sword and killed her.

Lily --  _ alive! _ \-- shoots her a confused look when she wanders out of her bedroom. "Dude, it's like 2am. I thought you had to be up at 5 for that meeting?"

It’s not hard to put the pieces together after that, to assess and realize that she holds two sets of memories in her mind. One where she dies and is reborn as a vampire, where her friends die before she’s able to save them, where she defeats Rheya and resets the world, and one where she’s an ordinary executive admin at a Fortune 50 and very, very human. 

Lily has no recollection of anything, that much is clear, and dread knots at the bottom of her stomach when she begins to search.

There are small mentions of Jax Matsuo online, mostly blurbs about a human rights activist and the causes he championed. No Facebook profile, no Instagram account, no LinkedIn -- the only lead she finds is an Instagram photo from 2013 of a volunteer event. He's not even in the photo, but the caption reads:

"Another successful drive! Thank you to all of our volunteers and an especially big thank you to Jax Matsuo for allowing us to use this venue. See you next year!"

The photo is, blessedly, geotagged.

She manages to make it there on her lunch break. It's a small location, the local chapter of a human rights organization, tucked behind larger buildings. If she hadn't been looking, she never would've known it was there.

Despite its size, the office is bustling. One harried looking person manages the front desk, trying to answer the phones and attend to everyone in line at the same time. By the time she reaches the front, four more people have lined up behind her.

"I'm so sorry about the wait," the front desk person says. "We're a little short of staff at the moment. What can I do for you?"

"Yes, hi, I'm looking for Jax Matsuo?" Her heart hammers nervously inside her ribcage.  _ Please be here, please be here _ .

"Is he expecting you?"

"No, but..." Desperation leaks into her voice. "Please, I need to speak with him. It's urgent."

They glance at her and then over their shoulder at the hallway behind them. "He's not usually in the office but you can check. Second door on the left."

With a quick thanks, she steps quickly towards the hallway and stops outside the aforementioned door. A sign on the wall says "ADVOCACY" in large black letters, followed by a list of 5 names.

The last is Jax Matsuo.

Her entire body trembles as she reaches for the doorknob, wholly unprepared for whatever's inside. Lily may not remember anything, but she still has hope that Jax will. He has to.

The small room is quiet save for the sounds of shuffled paper from the far end. Five desks cram the wall, messy with files and personal effects and it seems nearly all the occupants are out on lunch. On the opposite wall hang picture frames, so many that she can hardly see any of the wall underneath, and she leans in for a closer look when she recognizes Jax in a few of them.

It’s a testament of his life, she realizes, breath catching in her throat. So many of the photos are of him through the decades, surrounded by people he’s smiling with, protesting with, leading with.  _ Living _ with. Jax is alive, and that she was able to give him that means everything.

"Can I help you?"

She startles at the voice, her soul recognizing who is speaking to her, even before her ears do. It’s the voice of a man well past his prime. Slowly she turns, and when she sees him, she’s unable to prevent a small gasp from escaping.

The first thing she notices is his eyes, bright brown eyes behind thick bifocal glasses -- those same kind eyes, only this time Jax is looking at her, not with love or recognition, but polite askance. His entire head has gone white in his 70s and his face is heavily lined, laugh lines crinkling at the corners of his eyes and smile lines bracketing his mouth.

This is a Jax who has lived an entire lifetime without her, a Jax who never knew her, who never loved her. This Jax is a stranger in every definition of the word.

It is all she can do to remain upright, though it grows harder by the second as grief and sorrow wash over her, warring with the joy of finding him at all.

"No, sorry, I--" Her voice wobbles as she tries to find words to speak. "I--I thought…" 

Jax stands slowly from behind his desk, setting aside whatever papers he was looking through, concern shining clearly from his face. And god, it hurts, it  _ fucking _ hurts, because it’s a look she’s seen before on a younger face, in another context, with a wealth of love behind it. The concern of a stranger on the face of the love of her life robs her of breath all at once.

“Are you all right?”

She swallows hard. “I’m sorry, I…I thought you were the person I’m looking for, but I was mistaken. I’m sorry for wasting your time.” Her voice cracks on the last word and she moves to flee.

“Wait!” Jax gestures at the chair opposite his. “Would you like to sit down? You look troubled, and I’ve been told I’m a great listener.”

She will never regret saving the world. Rheya needed to be defeated, and balance needed to be restored. But this Jax will never know her sacrifice, will never know  _ her _ or what she did, and in one brief, terrible moment, faced with the same words he said to her once upon a time, she wishes she could have died with him and saved herself from this pain.

But that would mean he never would’ve had the chance to live. That he never would have helped the people he’s helped, or shaped the lives he’s shaped. From the photos on the wall alone, she can guess exactly how he lived his human life: in pursuit of justice for those trampled on by society, much like how he lived as a vampire. He’s lived a good life, even without her, and she could never take that away.

So instead, with the last bit of strength she possesses, she takes a deep breath and draws herself up and puts on a polite if not tremulous smile, momentarily ignoring the roaring grief tightening her throat. “Thank you very much for your offer, but I’ve taken up enough of your time. I should get going.”

Jax blinks. “All right. If you’re sure. I do hope you find who you’re looking for.”

“Thank you. So do I.” And with that, she hurries from the room, from the building, unable to stay in his presence a moment longer. And as she steps out into the sunlight, finally she allows her tears to fall as she mourns the loss of a love once had.

She never sees Jax again.

**Author's Note:**

> Yell at me on tumblr @ matsuoclan


End file.
